After years and years of being in a relationship neither one of you is the adventure you were when you first began. And you’re not on an adventure anymore. If you want to be on that adventure again you have to link arms and go on the adventure together. You have to create new excitement for each other whereas in the beginning you were the excitement. Having sex the first time is a risk. And risk taking is what makes sex so exciting. You need to have sexual adventures together. And you don’t do the adventure without them.___from sex-advice columnist Dan Savage

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You must have a broader definition of what sex is and then not only will you have more but it will be better.___from sex-advice columnist Dan Savage

Our first session with The Titan proved to be a bit touch and go.

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No matter how much energy I put into my sexual fantasies regarding Beverly I never tire of imagining new ones. Steering ourselves away from the fantasy of real-life affair partners and moving into using sex toys has expanded this approach.

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Beverly complains sometimes about my drive for sex as being more than she really wants. She uses her age as her excuse. And she doesn’t quite believe me when I tell her it’s because of her that I have this unrelenting obsession to feel connected to her. Seems the more nude photographs I take or edit of her, or stories I write, or essays and memoir, my interest in her piques into a madness unbelievably hard to explain. Beverly has this enormous magnetic pull on me. I am drawn to her like no other. Believe me when I say that for years now I haven’t even looked at another woman with any lust in my heart. I credit Beverly for satisfying every sexual need I have, so much so that it dulls any impulse I may have had to look for sex elsewhere. Of course, my mind still imagines countless erotic scenarios, but she is front and center in every sexual fantasy I might conjure. And the fact that she is willing at times to consider my sometimes outlandish ideas and different points of view, makes her even more valuable to me. And in a sense that sort of makes her into a commodity, which is a term that is likely frowned upon today. Of course she could be exploited just as others have been before her and be seen merely as a sexual object. Occasionally she finds herself questioning her involvement in these sometimes salacious activities. But she will consider and does accept the controversial aspect of our endeavors, and generally owns her part in the creative process.

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To have a satisfying and successful sexual relationship sex-advice columnist Dan Savage coined the necessary formulaic action term GGG: Good (at sex, communication), Giving (pleasure), and Game (for anything within reason)

Beverly admits to being a follower. She does not lead. But if Beverly feels she doesn’t want to do something she is the first to refuse. She can be extremely contrary and sometimes unreasonable. It takes time for her to come around to any new idea. She likes her routine and the safety it suggests, if not what the structure provides. She is not outgoing, unless she has been drinking. But that rarely occurs due to the medicine she takes for her neurological condition. But when she is sober of mind it is difficult for her to make most decisions. She second guesses herself. A lot. How she ever taught elementary school is a wonder but she managed to overcome herself enough to take charge in the classroom. She was a very good teacher and quite popular with the children. She was fun and could find ways to help them. But her public face is nothing like what she projects in her nude photography. She is about as straight and vanilla as any school marm ever was. But then she’s not. Sometimes she lets her hair down and her clothes come off for my camera. Occasionally she can become agreeable to an unconventional idea. She will honestly appraise an action she would on her own never have considered. And that is another reason she is amazing.

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Beverly Lane did everything she could to resist becoming what might be considered a sex object. All through high school and college she remained humble and unassuming in public, never drawing attention to herself, always presenting herself as just a typical high school girl. But by no fault of her own she quickly became not only a beautiful woman, but a sexy one as well. Granted, she is my wife. And I suppose every man wants to believe he really has something, I get it, but in my case I didn’t get her until well after four other men had already gotten themselves inside her first. I lost out on Beverly’s most innocent years. Those wondrous years of being both naive and young. And I know those four other lucky fellows unintentionally squandered every fucking year of their reign. None of those guys knew or could have appreciated what they had and how she would one day evolve into one of the most wondrous sexual creatures any god has ever made. And a “made” creature is exactly what developed between us, and it all started with our collaborative creative efforts in making poetry, sexual fantasy, memoir, and nude-art photography.  

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The fact that jealousy sustains desire—or at least kindles it—suggests how precarious desire is.  Not only do we need to find a partner, we also need to find a rival.  And not only do we have to tell them apart, we also have to keep them apart.  We need our rivals to tell us who our partners are.  We need our partners to help us find rivals…__Adam Phillips

I’ve determined that choice is what often comes into play. It’s an either-or decision that must be made. It is not as simple as just fucking somebody or some thing.

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For nearly three decades my wife and I involved ourselves in a personal relationship with Gordon Lish. During that time he continually made lasting impressions on us. He wasn't only teaching people how to write, guiding his students toward important literary works and film, but also exhibiting a previously unexampled courage in being authentic as he expressed himself as a living art exhibit. To our knowledge there has never been anyone quite like him. 

One of his main tenants in teaching was for the artist to put himself in jeopardy. To write about secrets. To dig and mine the many nuances deeply hidden within the demands of each individual heart. To find and discover what it is we conceal or secretly desire in the extreme. In 1997, after a Gordon Lish fiction-writing class held in Chicago, a few of us went out to eat with him. During that meal Gordon removed from his wallet nude polaroids he had taken of his wife Barbara several years before. The challenge he put on the table was for all of us present to reveal what we ourselves kept hidden inside our own wallets. Of course, none of us had any nude photographs of anybody, let alone our wives. But now I do keep one. Between these leather folds I have a treasured picture I took of my wife on her knees on the beach. I have yet to take it out of my wallet to show anybody. Several years ago Gordon claimed he liked that photograph most of all.

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…The questions for the couple are: do they want to use each other to sustain their desire, or to finish with it?…Strangeness is exciting but it threatens to derange us; routine is comforting but it threatens to put us to sleep…Monogamy and infidelity: the difference between making a promise and being promising…__Adam Phillips

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The Sand Flats Recreation Area in Moab, UTAH proved to be as beautiful and serene as promised. And we were camping in 100-degree weather in mid-July up in the sand hills of Alcove Campground, Loop A. Our campsite afforded us another photographic opportunity not to be missed. Of course, we were again quite tired from a rather stressful road trip hauling the camper up from Cortez, Colorado. But the scenery on this drive through Utah was remarkable. Red mountains of smooth rock and arches in a vast landscape of stupendous architecture.

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…A couple is a conspiracy in search of a crime. Sex is often the closest they can get…__Adam Phillips 

So, how can sex be even better at seventy? First off, life’s experience has made it obvious that acts of omission are less desirable than previously believed. It isn’t what we’ve done that is regrettable, but what we have not. The process of learning and considering different points of view over all these many decades together also provides valuable insights into realizing there is so much we do not know about the world and each other, and likely never will.

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Sometimes We Cry

As a woman approaches seventy does she begin to lose her desire for sex? Is this the norm?

I will be taking care of my nearly nine year-old grandson for one month. And so far I’ve been away from my husband for one week. I miss him. I am surprised to find I miss him sexually, but I realized I do today as I walked in this Indian Summer weather. And so I called him. We talked about our sex life, past and present. I’d have never done this in the past. It seems to have become our focus lately. I’m realizing it’s not creepy or weird to have these conversations. Know why? Because after I hung up the phone with him, I felt and still feel closer to him. Hmmm, sex must be more important than I wanted to admit.

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…We may believe in sharing as a virtue—we may teach it to our children—but we don’t seem to believe in sharing what we value most, our sexual partners. But if you really loved someone, wouldn’t you want to give them the best thing you’ve got, your partner? It would be a relief not to be puzzled by this…__Adam Phillips

Beverly has always maintained her lack of interest in being with anybody but me. And I certainly appreciate that. But there have been times I’ve witnessed her get a bit excited over one of our many prospects. Generally, her interest gradually fades as we both consider all the ramifications regarding each potential candidate. The plan is to always keep taking steps forward into a possible event as long as we are both on board with the idea. It does make for nervous discussions not to mention great sex between us. We’ve been married for over forty years and during that time we have never been sexual with anybody but each other. I’m not sure how I would feel if she had gone out on her own and impulsively pursued one of these adulterous acts we have previously considered. But she is free to discover her own candidates, and occasionally she has, but nothing has ever worked out after forging ahead because we always consider the consequences. There has been a time or two when she has become a bit overzealous in achieving our decades-long exercise and at times ignored a step or two in its process. But no real mistakes have ever been made. And there is no doubt that I would have eventually vindicated her as I own that this adulterous activity has always been my idea. But what the event might have done to our relationship is indeed questionable. Of course it may have made our relationship even stronger. Closer even. But who knows? It may also have damaged it for all-time. But the bottom line is that everything we have done together has been a learning experience and has brought us closer to each other than ever before.

…We only really value a relationship when it survives our best attempts to destroy it. As every sado-masochist knows, nothing is more seductive than resilience.  It is the only aphrodisiac that continues to work the more you take it.  So the only way we can test our infidelity is through monogamy.  A lot of confusion is created by our belief that it is the other way around…__Adam Phillips

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Was it the combination of both nature’s danger and beauty that allowed me such comfort in my nakedness? For just as we entered through the lovely old gray concrete block horse stalls, trimmed years ago with strong doors of wood and old hardware, I could feel the ghosts of the horses who had once been kept in stalls there. Not one human in sight, so I began to un-layer for the aesthetic eye of my lover, my spouse and his camera. 

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In the beginning it was frightening to address my fantasies and desires to Beverly as she would immediately become horrified as to what I might propose. But after further discussion and consideration she would often come around to my way of thinking and ask herself “why not?” So after a long teaching career and the solemn task of raising her children it made sense to finally let her hair down as she wasn’t getting any younger. 

My first idea suggested that she have nude photographs taken of her by our city’s most highly respected female photographer. Her photo studio was tastefully nestled in the woods so I thought it might be a comfortable place in which to begin. Being that the photographer was a woman I figured it would also help Beverly to relax. But their entire shoot was a dismal failure. The photographer failed to capture any essence of Beverly except for her great fear and expressive discomfort. I did hold on to those expensive  proofs for several years until I finally discarded them into the trash. But more importantly, in addition to my being a poet, I was dabbling in paint at the time and my original idea was to have a photograph to paint from, patterned after the manner Francis Bacon employed during his artistic endeavors. And because the photo shoot failed to produce anything of note we decided if we wanted anything I could use in the making of my art I would need to be her photographer. And as we began our journey into nude-art photography we eventually segued into an extended mission to create something perhaps a yet unborn descendant might one day enjoy and actually be proud of.  

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Rather Wild

Fuck, I am seventy years old. Fuck, I have cataracts that need to be removed. Fuck, I am really feeling my age. My hands shake, I take twenty capsules a day (four prescriptions) for a neuromuscular disorder. Lately I’m noticing more droops around my chin and neck area. I have to remember to raise my head back for pictures. I am so vain. 

Honestly, I don’t think I have near the interest in sex that my husband has. I am not sure if it’s my conditioning or my age. I love him, this one I call Mike, madly, and we’ve been married nearly forty-one years. And I still want to have sex with him, but not as often as he does. I don’t have near the sexual fantasies he shares with me. 

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A Satisfying Vulgarity

Before sitting down to compose a new piece whether it is a poem, essay, short story, or some memory begging to be uncovered there is often a strong feeling of excitement awakening in me. Many times I have no idea what I will be considering or where my writing will take me. And this is exactly one of those times. All I know is just as she has on so many other occasions, my partner is on my mind. It is impossible to explain this pull she has on me. She is not only a classic beauty, but she still sports a svelte and sexy body that belies her age. And of course, it is obvious to any stranger upon first meeting her to realize she is also very smart and educated. By no fault of her own she is game-changing attractive and emits enormous sex appeal. She is also athletic and is a superior swimmer. She is never pretentious. She almost always dresses down and never pretends to be somebody or something she is not. She cares deeply for animals and is especially attuned to any abuse or maltreatment inflicted by others on them. She is also an excellent teacher and grandmother. And there is undoubtedly so much more about her that a few other attributes also bear mentioning.

For over thirty years I have been taking photographs of my wife in various stages of being unclothed, or very close to it. Why we continue to do this is a very good question. There is absolutely no financial gain attached to our photographic activities. We remain basically closeted to just ourselves and rarely socialize in public. It is doubtful anyone who has met us or sees us at the grocery store or fitness center would have any idea about what it is we do. And the fact that nobody asks or seems to care is fine by us. What is striking as well is we did not even begin this enticing enterprise until Beverly had already attained the ripened old age of forty. But these “photo sessions” were so much fun for us that three decades later we are still practicing our art. I doubt either one of us has gotten technically much better at what we do, but our joy has increased exponentially. And of course it is more difficult to get a good picture these days than when we first started, but it is astonishing to me that we can still produce a beautiful photograph that expresses exquisite form and classic beauty, not to mention a bit of her sassy attitude. We are mindful that our model is now seventy years-old and there will undoubtedly come a day when a picture becomes a thing not worth taking or even preserving. But what is amazing is the excellence we can still produce even at this advancing age.

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Mathilde was just becoming comfortable having her clothes off, perhaps only five minutes into our shoot, when a beagle came running down the trail from the opposite direction. Quickly we rushed to re…

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Our impending photoshoot almost did not occur because it was so frigid. It is dreadfully impossible to feel sexual in that biting morning air. And the warmer afternoons, though pleasant, are a bit to…

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Raised rough-hewn benches dot the forested landscape along the many cross-country ski trails carved into Silver Valley. In warmer months the benches sit about belt-high as they were built for winded …

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